Chasing the rising sun.

The best sunrise that I’ve ever seen was in Pondicherry.
A place that I wish to go back to; someday.

I agree that every sunrise would be perfect in its own way. I won’t lie, I haven’t seen many! (Waking up that early is a task for me).
Also, I haven’t traveled to many places either.

Back then in 2016, a day before all of us who went for the trip decided at night that we’d go to the sunrise point the next morning.
Every tourist place has it right? I mean that’s what it is called.
But then, there were few sleepy heads who couldn’t wake up that early.
So it was just 6 or 7 of us who decided to go to Serenity Beach that morning.
The excitement to goto that beach was a little too much in me, though I am a night owl and not at all a morning person.
But everytime I go to a trip, I don’t feel like sleeping. I just want to explore that place as much as I can.
Speaking for real; I just wanna be woke; atleast somewhere.

It felt so good, to chase the sun in that traveller.
None of us wanted to miss it.
(That driver was one of my friends favourite! I know! We are no more in touch though.)
One of us was constantly checking the clock as we were slightly behind the time.
If you’ve ever been to Pondicherry then you know that all the places are quite near.
It might sound silly, but then I know that my choice to wake up early that day was absolutely correct.
See, because I have a clear memory of that perfect sunrise.
No hope no harm, as I woke up early with just one alarm. 😛
There was sheer happiness in my eyes and I still feel good when I think about that day.

Someone who’s a beggar of pretty skies.

Going back in time.

No matter what I say, I know that human relationships matter a lot to me. Maybe that’s why I somehow distance myself from people who matter to me. I am, mostly, scared of getting hurt.

Nevertheless, I have a story of a night from more than a year ago which I remembered so profoundly yesterday and I want to vent it somewhere.

Last night I was listening to a song (Ghar- by Piyush Mishra), which now I’m in love with. I ended up remembering the first time a friend made me listen to it. He not just makes you listen to a song, rather he explains it.

I was in a cab, returning back from the office.
He called and asked me if I’d like to join him at a place nearby. He was already there, drinking.
My subconscious mind refused to go.
No particular reason, but I was in no mood to drink and was tired.
Instead, I asked him who’s there with him and he said, “No one.”
I instantly said I’m coming.
The only reason I went there that night was because that idiot was sitting there all alone, drinking. I was never a person who leaves her friends alone.

It was a good place with a nice view. We could see the moon from where we were seated.
He made me listen to many songs that night, he still does. I always tell him, that I don’t like songs by listening to them just once. I take my time to develop my likings, then be it for anything. I don’t think he even knows that half of my playlists consists of his recommended songs.

He has a habit of recommending movies too.
He asked me to watch “Pyaasa” that one time.
I added it to my list but never watched it.
Instead I saw “Kagaz ke Phool” that night after reaching home.
I had a feeling that there’ll be a day when I would want to watch that movie he recommended.

Also, while going back home, he told me about his family issues, I listened, just like I always do.
I never pity him and nobody should. Rather I feel good when I see him trying to do better each day and not giving up despite his surroundings being so ugly.
He reached home and told me that I should forget whatever he said that time. I said I’d never tell anyone and I still haven’t. I am not sure if he talks about his issues to everyone.
Wish I could tell him that I care and that I’d always be there.

So, last night I ended up seeing that movie (Pyaasa-1957).
I believe it was way ahead of its time. Amazing story, wonderful music, about a struggling poet and how people are treated differently when they get fame. When a person is dead, people value them way more than when they are alive.
Last 20 mins of the movie are so sentimental and it tells how cruel and selfish people around you could be.
At certain moments, it ends up making you feel sad and see the reality of life. I love these kind of movies.

क्युकी, ये दुनिया अगर मिल भी जाये तो क्या हैं?

Also, yesterday while listening to that song and watching that movie, I certainly missed that night with him.
I am not even sure if I could call it a beautiful night.

Rather than telling him I’m posting it here.
Because now, I don’t even know if he remembers it.

The entire lyrics of the song are very heartfelt. Ending this blog with just one line below-

लेकिन मेरी बात इक याद रखना, मुझको हमेशा ही हाँ साथ रखना!

How to become a memory.

A screenshot saved in the gallery,

A movie ticket neatly folded and tucked away in the wallet,

A tiny bruise which left a faint mark on your body,

A photograph hidden for you to see every night,

A date circled on the calender of your mind that you remember so profoundly,

You skip songs like you skip meals.

Mostly, there are several moments etched in your heart, waiting for you to let go.

Letting go and holding on depends upon you, just you. It’s not the memories that bring you sorrow, it’s the idea of not being able to live them again; over and over again.


Flashes of Memories,
Taking away all my worries.
Capturing all our laughs,
My heart, keeps sane with a photograph.

All I am content with, is kindness.
Pictures bringing back my fondness.
Yearning to be with you,
As you are, my sky in blue.

I looked so happy as a child,
Nobody knows, I was always defiled.
Emotions too strong,
Now, everything seems wrong.

We were once singing Breathless,
Now, the night looks endless.
Holding the picture in my sight; every night,
I know, I’ll somehow sleep alright.

I get that nothing lasts,
Tell me, is that some spell that you’ve cast?
I have stopped writing you paragraphs,
Because darling, I’m keeping my heart sane with a photograph.

Happy Birthday Papa!

When was the last time I showed my affection towards my father?
I can’t recall.
Because I never do.

He is amongst the ones that I love and adore the most.

I always fall short of words when my love towards a person is enormous.

I know and I understand that he has done many sacrifices in his life; to give us this life.
Whatever we are today is the result of his hardwork.
Even at this age he’d continue doing so to provide livelihood to us.
He’s seen the hardest of times, I know.
But, he never says anything regarding it, I know that too.
I’ve never seen him giving up on anything.
He is the strongest pillar of our family.

Also, I think, not showing much affection is kind of hereditary. Don’t we always say that love is to be seen in the smallest of gestures and not in something loud.
He is making us midnight tea from past two days.

If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.

My mom always says, “Like Father Like Daughter”.
Well, I take it as a compliment. 😉

Happy 58th Birthday Papa! 🙂

Keep your big laughs and high fives coming. ❤️

To spill or not to spill the beans?

Do you believe that a person can take a Secret to his/her deathbed?

Some people say that there can never be a secret.
There is atleast one person who is aware of it.

People have a tendency to share other person’s secrets with their loved ones, and then tell them to not share it with anyone else.

They aren’t able to keep it to themselves, so they shouldn’t expect the other person to not share it with anyone else.
And the chain goes on and on. So, breaking the chain is your choice, it’s you, who can decide if you want to gossip about it or keep it in your heart.

I am the kind of person who would never share secrets with anyone, whether it’s mine or anyone else’s. I’ve not got plenty anyway.
It’s not that I don’t trust my people, but it’s mostly that I don’t want to burden others with my thoughts or problems. Also, it’s not that all the secrets are bound to be problematic, some are the happy ones too, but I still want to keep them to myself.

They are my secrets, Happy or Sad; Mine!

I strongly believe that people share their secrets with you only when they trust you enough. Again, I won’t break anyone’s trust; ever.

There are times, when your secrets do feel like a burden, they weigh on you, and you wish to share them.
But then your Heart says no.
So you have to choose and keep it to yourself.

When you are a Listener, it’s difficult to be on the other side.

I know, after reading this my friends might think from now onwards they shouldn’t be sharing anything with me, as I feel I don’t share anything with them.
I can’t force them in not doing so, but I’ll still be all ears; Always.

There’s a saying in Hindi, “ladkiyo ke pet me baat nahi pachti”.
(i.e A women cannot keep a secret).
Trust me, I’ve seen enough men – “jinke bhi pet me baat nahi pachti”. (Even men cannot keep secrets)
So, no need to be gender biased here.
It varies from person to person though.

Anyway, can you keep a secret; A Secret?

The Apology!

PART 1- Do we ever forget?

How easy is it for a person to apologise for their mistakes?
Also, are apologies even legit?
We accept it sometimes and the other times we don’t even want to hear it out.
We get to hear it sometimes but we don’t want to accept it.
Sometimes, we don’t want to say that “It’s okay”.
But in the end we still forgive people, for our own mental peace; as those people matter way more than our hurt.
No, we still don’t want their “sorry”.
Honestly, if ever I did anything wrong to anyone I would never be able to forgive myself and neither would I forget it.

What if I am the person who I’ve done something wrong to?

PART 2- Making myself stronger?

I read a Book three months back, named The Apology by Eve Ensler.
How did I come across this novel?
I follow a journalist on Instagram. She posted a story of her husband’s bookshelf. I am too fond of bookshelves. Anyway, somehow this novel caught my eye. I read about its author along with an excerpt from the book. She’s famous for her play,“The Vagina Monologues“.
I came to know that this novel is based on her real life incidents. It’s about Physical abuse, since she was 5; which in turn leads to mental abuse. It’s an apology written to her, from her father’s perspective; the apology which she never received from him while he was still alive.

I would surely recommend people to read it!

I am not the person who could read about such matters and not cry. Crying comes a bit easy to me. Pretty much sensitive for that.

I was at a friends place when I read it. It took me few hours to finish reading it.
I turned around and I started crying. He couldn’t understand how did I end up crying.
He said that why do you read such topics which you cannot digest. But then, he also said ‘it’s good that you read it’ and told me few stories regarding abuse; wherein I still couldn’t share mine.

I didn’t tell him, that prior to this too the novel that I was reading included a character who was sexually abused in her early teenage. I read these two novels in continuation, so tears were results of both, though the former was fiction.

I want to make myself strong enough to read about such sensitive topics one day, even if not today; someday!

Most of the times we have to live without the apologies! Things you feel are wrong, other person might not even think of it as worth saying sorry for.

I strongly believe that we should never do or say anything just for the sake of it. If we don’t mean to apologise from the core of our heart, we shouldn’t do it. Period.

It was decided long back that I would continue reading and watching such stories, till one day when I would stop shedding tears over those.

PS: I have Part 3 and 4 ready to be posted, but I decided not today. Might post it when my heart agrees to it.

Mediocrity- not good enough?

I don’t think I’ll ever be enough for anyone, ever.
I’m pretty average (not talking about looks here) in everything. As far as I’ve known yet, “Nobody wants average“.

In general, people you’d want in your life, would not want you back. So, we live in this fear, as they make you believe that you aren’t good enough for them.
They never say that to you clearly. But it goes on in the background, when they say that “you deserve better”.

I wonder if I’m really not good enough?
Even though, “No one ever said that to me”.

Can’t we ever talk about the merits of mediocrity, of being blasé boring and average.
I am surely not asking anyone to pursue it, because we all should try to do the best we possibly can.
Despite our Best efforts, at times we end up being there and we rather need to accept that.

Sometimes, I live in this well of self pity. I know that it shouldn’t be that way. But, I would rather accept it than lying to myself.

Why there’s always a rush to be the best though?
To be better than another person?
Why can’t we simply accept ourselves as we are?
Why can’t we just try to be better than what we were yesterday?

Improve without comparing ourselves with anybody.

Life is not a competition where we have to “Win, win, win, win”.

I wouldn’t have had the problem of social anxiety, if I would never think so low of myself and that too for no particular reason.

There is some unsaid pressure from the society which I do not understand.

I am not suggesting here to be mediocre for life; what I am asking here is to accept the average ones like me and not make them feel like there is a strong need for them to improve or change themselves.

They kind of know it already.

The one who Listens.

She’s always been a “Listener” of the group.
Always aware of each of her friends whereabouts.
What’s going on in their life,
What are they happy about and all of their sorrows too; she knows everything.
She thinks they sometimes need a person to just hear out their thoughts, and she does that without any judgment; Always.

She doesn’t even give any advice at times, but listens carefully to what they have to convey.
She knows, it’s not always obligatory to comment on what the other person is trying to express. At times they just want someone to pay close attention to their talks rather than telling them if they’re right or wrong.

She’s good at keeping secrets too. When anyone shares something with her in confidence, she keeps it to herself, and never shares it with another person. Obviously some things she did to a close confidant, but not the ones which were really personal to them. If she had any secrets, she would have never shared those with anyone; honestly.

But, that’s what Friends are for, right?
She’ll be all ears for them, invariably.

In this world full of gossip, a Good Listener deserves a little appreciation.

As John Green rightly quoted in Paper Towns,

“I would do nothing for a lifetime but listen”

Friday- Fear of the approaching weekend!

I am never happy on a Friday.

Most people who are working professionals, that’s the only day they are awaiting, right?
I mean, why shouldn’t they?

More of the reason I don’t like it is because people around me were just making their weekend plans. I don’t make plans often.
I don’t want to be included in theirs either.
But there’s this grim feeling for the approaching weekend.

Many a times on Monday’s, my teammate would ask me.. So, what did you do this weekend? Me trying to avoid that question entirely, with a slight smile I would always say that “I read a novel, watched a movie and slept (A lot)” . Honestly, those were and are the only things that I would be doing on a weekend or moreover be washing my clothes.
Eventually he stopped asking me. Thank God for that, but, is it not because I am boring and not full of life or whatever that’s called?

Not that it matters to me much, as I intend to keep my weekends simple and also I am not someone who enjoys partying all the time. But I don’t like to be poked regarding that either.
Peer pressure of going out is what I don’t want.
If I choose to do something apart from my regulars, that has to be my own choice.

It’s not that I didn’t like going out with my friends or just wanted to be indoors all the time, but I surely was maintaining “social distance” way before this pandemic. That’s surely helping me now.

Anyway, why was it so necessary to have “weekend plans” all the time back then?

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